I wrestled for months about writing this first blog post. A procrastinator by nature, I chalked my hesitation up to a less than desirable habit of putting things off for the “perfect” time. However, today was different. Today was an, emotional, step on my own toes type of day. I found myself pondering over my less than glamorous life and just where in the heck I was going. As I primped my face for work, I found myself feeling….well…. “unsatisfied.”
As I stared in the mirror, I tried to smile at the woman looking back at me, a 39 year old, never married single mom. Random questions began running through my head. Was I leaving my mark on the world or a big messy ink stain? What great thing had I accomplished so far? Why can’t I seem to finish what I start? Furthermore, I was pretty darn attractive, so where in the world was my husband? I thought about my life and where I pictured myself at this point. Becoming a mom at 17 was only the beginning to a string of gains, losses, wins, defeats and failed relationships. However, I managed to earn my bachelors degree, start graduate school, and raise two pretty great young men. I was caring, intelligent, and blessed to have a few close friends. So why were tears beginning to sting my dry and tired eyes? I assured myself that I was merely hormonal and over reacting, yet somehow I knew this was not some PMS melt-down. What the heck was I crying about? Did it really matter that I wasn’t married? So what if I won’t finish grad school until I’m 41! Who cared that I still lived in a small apartment?
Who cared? I DID.
Somewhere along the way, I had allowed society to tell me my life was NOT normal. As a matter of fact, in that moment I was officially a washed up single mother who would surely die an old spinster. I began to think of all the things on my bucket list that I hadn’t crossed off, the money I hadn’t saved, the roads untraveled and the world I hadn’t impacted. Was it too late? Had I come to the end of my rope? Was it even possible to “fix” your life when you’re almost 40? I made up my mind to pray.
Welp, my pastor always told me that God hears our prayers before we even say em. Somewhere within my spirit, a silent voice gently reminded me that with HIM, ALL things were possible. I was reminded by the most important one of all, that He had the last say and if I was still breathing, He wasn’t finished with me yet! It dawned on me that trying to be “normal” was the worst thing I’d ever done. I wondered how many other women felt this way, like the cards they were dealt were impossible to play. We all go through trials but the most important thing to remember is to keep pressing and believing God for the strength to reach your destiny.
Why? Because, it’s never too late to begin again. I fixed my face, put on some bright red lipstick and flashed all 32 teeth……well 30 after a couple of extractions……right back at myself. (hee hee) I was ready to to live victoriously. Life was precious and no matter how old I was or what I considered my shortcomings, there was someone out there who needed what I had to share. So I made a pact with myself to support others as much as I could, achieve some or most of my bucket list goals, work towards financial independence, travel, try new things, and strive for faith like a child.
Most of all….I agreed to pray. I agreed to pray serious and specific prayer. I knew at that moment, I wasn’t washed up after all. I had simply grown up and life was just beginning.
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